O’Hurley is coming to suck your blood, tonight on The Vampire Diaries.
Well, here we go – it’s the beginning of the end.
Family.
Feud.
Live.
Blogged.
Sort of.
We’re starting by culling a family that is near and dear to my heart out of the DVR – the Fetty family, from San Diego, California, or, as I like to call them, The San Diego Retards (SD ‘tards). They are the inspiration for this blog and, thus, I will be blogging them after the fact and moving forward through the days since they played, hopefully catching up to the current episodes at some point (‘tards played on 9/9 and 9/10).
You are SO not ready for the genius of the SD ‘tards.
For those of you who do not know, much like Florida (but not quite that horrifying), San Diego is a bastion of terrifying ignorance. By city ordinance – if it had city ordinances – at least 43% its “citizens” must be shirtless at all times (SD has never come within 15% of violating this particular statute), regardless of the time of year, its “people” once elected some old hippie burnout who runs a surf shop Mayor and there is a palpable sense of general skeeviness teeming through the streets.
A friend who lived there once told me that every girl she knew had been roofied at some point. Another friend finished in the bottom 5% of his law school class and planned to focus his job search there because it was well known among bad law students that San Diego was the only place where such a student would be hired.
Point being: San Diego has not stayed classy.
Sorry, Ron – San Diego just wouldn’t listen.
The SD ‘tards are a prime example of San Diegan stupidity – you are about to read why.
It’s time to play the Family Feud:
The SD ‘tards miraculously won their first match-up with a black family despite mind-numbing ignorance … and DVR erased the episode today … count me devastated.
However, I do have this chat transcript in which I relate to my girlfriend their insane incapacity for human thought:
So, while that is not the best re-telling of the timeless battle between my vaunted SD ‘tards and an especially un-game random black family, at least you get the general idea … also, you now know the secret identity of my girlfriend – foiled again!
Ok, so, here we go – SD ‘tards, take two!
The ‘tards open with a fake living room pose in which the four women are holding their male QB1 (see above) – the person who stands at the head of the Family Feud podium and makes all final decisions (with great responsibility, come great stupid answers, even after four people have yelled good answers at you) – horizontally.
Opposing family is, shockingly, not black, but 80% Asian. QB1 is a white guy – smart move, Asians; you know that this is a white man’s game – and the rest of the fam is sexy Asian ladies, one of which is pregnant (not so sexy).
You all DO NOT look anything like the Shriver family that lived in my neighborhood.
O’Hurley is wearing a comely black suit with an ever-so-sharp gold tie (see top photo) – I like how this is going.
Time for the Bullseye round.
LT woman is first, meaning that the guy I thought was QB1 is not – the ‘tards are rubbing off on my memory.
Name a place where you don’t want to find toenail clippings … foul … my answer would have been, “mixed with pubes.”
Oh, man – ‘tard alert.
Cheerleader Next Door just shot out a gem:
O’Hurley: a bed is one piece of furniture on which people make love, name another.
CND: CAR!!!
Apparently, people in San Diego are so ‘tarded that they will sometimes mistake their coffee table for a 1987 Ford Fiesta.
Preggers Asian picked up the obvious answer: a fucking couch!
Damn, we are not even out of the bullseye round and another dual simpleton celebration has arrived, I may not be able to do this blog for too much longer, what with all the excitement …
Anyway, “name a sport in which you need a good stroke …”
‘tards: Canoeing!
Asians: Rowing a boat
Ignoring the obvious hilarity of both answers A) sucking hard ass; and B) being the exact same thing, I can’t wait until the “sport” of “Rowing A Boat” finally makes the 2016 Olympics.
How about golf, idiots?!?
This ain’t no crew team – I’m just rowing a boat.
I need a breather.
For the second day in a row, the SD ‘tards get $0 out of the bullseye round. Well done, gang.
Bears mentioning that the white patriarch of the Asian team has frosted tips – I’m a little ashamed that I have left that out up to this point … also, all of the Asian women are wearing black t-shirts with ties printed on them – aka a less formal version of the tuxedo t-shirt – while Frosty is rocking a Johnny Cash, man-in-black look with a golder tie than O’Hurley (how dare you).
The Asians want to use their potential winnings to go to Cambodia – Asians going to Asia, makes sense to me.
The SD ‘tards hope to win the money so they can get San Diego Chargers season tickets … sometimes ignorance is so predictable.
LT!
Ok, now we are in to the real game.
“Surveyed 100 husbands: Name something you put on to be sexy.”
Asians: Cologne (#1), Boxers/Thong (#2 – funny moment in which O’Hurley questions the thong and Asian wife claims Frosty is currently wearing one), Music (#6), Suit (#4), these Asian girls are damn cute, (strike), Frosty flashes “Blue Steel” (literally, he said that) and answers “Game Face” (strike), (strike).
‘tards (for the steal): A uniform … surprisingly decent guess … strike!
67 points to Aaaaaaay-sia – other answers were “Nothing,” “Sunglasses” and … I already forgot and am not rewinding.
Cheerleader Next Door’s name is Lisha … of course it is. Gotta love the age old white trash practice of just throwing some stupid letter in to a normal name – I will be God damned if I name my daughter Lisa! Cram an H in there somewhere, for the love of everything holy!
“Name something that might be hard to start.”
Asians: Car (#1), preggers Asian cutely freaks out after answering, cute Asian girl stupidly answers “air conditioning” – what?!? – (strike), next cute Asian guesses “the TV” – what?!? – (strike), “go back to school” (strike) – what?!?
‘tards (for the steal): … “aging” … O’Hurley looks and turns away from her as if she just farted, then laughs at her and … strike.
O’Hurley can’t even look at you, you pathetic tramp.
‘tards lose again … also, now I am oddly concerned that I won’t be able to do my next blog because I won’t be able to start the TV.
112 points to Asia – other answers “Lawn Mower,” “Career,” “Diet,” “Weed Whacker,” “Story/Conversation”
Final Face-off.
“100 married men surveyed: Name something you wish your wife showed more interest in.”
Asians guess “sports,” which is #2, lone wolf guy on the ‘tards guesses … “television.”
What? You are telling me that it is hard for you to get your San Diegotarded wife to watch TV? Bullshit – you are just dumb and suck at the Feud.
Asians: Sports (#2), Sex (#1), Cars (strike), Me (#4), O’Hurley makes a deftly played joke about Frosty needing more attention with the polished charm of a top notch man-about-town, Mowing the lawn – O’Hurley mocks – (strike), Home Improvement (strike).
‘tards (for the steal and to send it to sudden death!): … “their job”
Strike.
And, with that, we have lost the San Diego ‘tards for good.
Shawne Merriman will have to ‘roid rage sans his city’s beloved ‘tards over at Qualcomm Stadium this season.
A sad day … the end of an era … but here it comes … the moment where the butterflies hit my belly and my sense of anticipation drives me to fast forward as hard as I possibly can … no more time to mourn the ‘tards … because it is time for …
Fast.
Fucking.
Money.
I live for this.
You do not want to step on the court with Frosty.
Contestant #1: Frosty
Name something that husbands and wives fight over the use of: Car (30)
On a scale of 1-10, how much fun is marriage?: 10 (22 – O’Hurley laughs at Frosty and says, “you had no choice, did you, buddy?”; O’Hurley, you cad!)
Name something you do to get ready for bed: Brush teeth (47!)
Name a popular brand of men’s underwear: Jockey (10)
Name the most common place on the body to pull a muscle: Thigh (51!)
My Sweet Dick, that was magic – 160 points from one player!
I feel like I am watching Michael Jordan in 1993.
Contestant #2: Preggers Asian Wife
Name something that husbands and wives fight over the use of: Bathroom (10)
On a scale of 1-10, how much fun is marriage?: 10 (buzzer), nine! (12 – damn, that is a happy half-Asian marriage)
Name something you do to get ready for bed: Get undressed (14 – ?!? That many people sleep in a full suit? I thought I was the only one)
Name a popular brand of men’s underwear: Calvin Klein (0 – again, what the fuck? Zero? Really? Not one, even for Marty McFly?)
[NOTE: FOR THOSE OF YOU COUNTING AT HOME, WE ARE AT 196 POINTS – 4 SHY OF THE 200 NEEDED TO WIN FAST MONEY – AFTER HAVING JUST SEEN ONE OF THE GREATEST SINGLE ROUNDS IN THE HISTORY OF THIS STORIED GAME, WE ARE NOW WATCHING IT GET SHAT ON BY EITHER ONE OF THE FEEBLEST EFFORTS OF ALL TIME, OR THE GAYEST SURVEY RESULTS OF ALL TIME – YOU BE THE JUDGE]
Name the most common place on the body to pull a muscle: Shoulders (…………………….. 7!!!)
And they pulled it off! High drama, people. I’m still quivering.
And, on that note, I have got to go – this was a good start, people. Remember to stay true to the Feud and keep O’Hurley in your hearts. I bid you adieu and ask you to remember one thing – Ladanian Tomlinson is the most famous man alive.
I love every last one of you with the ignorant passion of a San Diegan.
In the name of the father (Richard Dawson), the son (O’Hurley) and the Holy Spirit (dead Ray Combs), O’Hurley blesses you and tells you that everything is ok (except that one thing you did in the closet a couple weeks ago – that shit was creepy and weak, man).
You can watch all the episodes off the vampire diaries at this site http://watchthevampirediariestv.net/