[ANYONE READING THIS WHO HAS NOT READ THE FFT MISSION STATEMENT NEEDS TO DO SO BEFORE READING ANY FURTHER, OR THE BLOG WILL MAKE LESS SENSE TO YOU/I WILL RAPE YOU]
I'll play your game, you marvelous looking rogue.
My, oh my – we are finally here.
Family.
Feud.
Black.
vs.
White.
For.
All.
The.
Phone sex with a tranny!
Did you think I would write marbles? That would be dumb. Who needs marbles after like age 10?
Team Darkness is ready to defy racism like Nat X
Moving on, today we have the Goins family (from now on referred to as Team Darkness) – who are from Riverside, CA and sport both an exterminater and a mortician in the clan (meaning , I think: these people kill all types of animals, including people) – and the Fischbeck family, from the town of We Are Rich WASPS, CA, including a guy with a gray streak in his hair who is donning a blue blazer/khakis look that would have gotten him in to the fraternity of his choice at any Ivy league school in 1961 … and now.
I skipped ahead to September 16, because I made a note to myself about this particular episode at one point and decided to blog it – however, I will now be watching all ten new episodes Mon-Fri and blogging the best of the group (so, between one and five posts a week) and sticking with especially compelling families, of course.
I know what you are thinking, “Feudman, what am I supposed to do when I am brain-dead and looking for something to read on Mondays?” Well, dude, I pseudo-promise that there will be one posting at like 5pm on Friday, so just don’t read that one and save it for Monday morning – it’s the Feud, the shit is not time sensitive.
If you are wondering what happened to our beloved ‘tard-smiting Asians, they lost the next day to a black family. It was an upset of biblical proportions, but the blacks do have a higher chunk of the general population … but, let’s be honest, most Asians in the US at this point are Whitified, so we have to give the black family its full due for overcoming the Feud Blackness Handicap (FBH).
Someone just asked him, "how much of a cheesedick are you?" THIS MUCH!!!
Also, if you are wondering about the vaunted SD ‘tards, an elderly businessman and financier purchased them and sent the clan to a chicken factory, where they were decapitated and stripped for meat to be used as pig food.
O’Hurley is as crisp as a freshly printed $100 bill and he looks as fresh as morning dew – dark suit with a … fuscia … tie? It’s one of those colors that gives my color-blindness a severe case of AIDS.
And the game is afoot!
Darkness vs. WASPS – CAN YOU EVEN CONTAIN YOURSELF?!?
Now, let’s all change our underwear and then get ready for some Feuding.
The bullseye round is more exciting than butt sex on a flaming motorcycle, going through a field of jumping cactus.
Bullseye Round Comedic Occurrences of Note:
Darkness team member, Blackstache (a combination of his blackness and his rocking of Eddie Murphy’s skinny mustache from 1992), was asked to name a British person who is more famous in America than the Queen … what do you have for us, Blackstache? Pierce Brosnon … leave the Bullseye podium in shame, Blackstache – we won’t be needing your blackness up on the East side, anymore (answer was Simon Cowell, btw).
Uneventful Bullseye round from a comedic standpoint.
100 women surveyed, top six answers on the board – where do you like a man to touch you while he is giving you a kiss?
Oh, I can sense the impending tomfoolery already – my anticipation level for between four and seven patented O’Hurley wry grins, followed by sly looks to the side, is somewhere between “A seven year old on Christmas morning” and “16-year-old kid about to lose his virginity.”
Pathetic?
Maybe, but so is a blog about the Family Feud, so that ship has sailed, my fellow friends of light hearted race wars.
Black patriarch guesses “face” (#4) and WASPS #1 man goes with “back” (#2)
WASPS: “Hair” (#5), “butt” (#6 – wry grin alert! A dude said this and O’Hurley said, “you wanna show me?” leading to O’Hurley going behind the podium and literally getting goosed by Phi Kappa Douche – an epic Feud moment), “neck” (#3), “upper back” (strike), shoulders – I am waiting hard for “boobs”; please give this to me, people, I do not ask for much – (strike), sexy/blond Sarah gives me that sweet nectar I have been craving with “breasts” (strike – this leads to the ever-so-rare frozen wry grin/look to the side from O’Hurley, during which he just sort of stares into the audience with his eyes glazed over, trying to figure out how to react, but we know it’s all an act, because he is a god damned world class, professional cocksman and he knows exactly how to react, so, as expected, he does it with the style and class of a boutonnière wearing a bow tie … by having PKDouche come around and grab his boob – oh, O’Hurley, you always know the way to my heart).
Team Darkness (for the steal): #1 answer still on the board … Darkness, let’s see it … they say “waist” and … of course it is #1 – how did the WASPS miss that?
This black family came to play. One wonders if they have acquired some special powers, or if they watch a lot of TV shows that have white people in them. How have they so easily infiltrated our cultural coffer of secrets? Might they be secretly white? One ALSO wonders – they won yesterday, too, so they are going for the mythical Black Family Double Win (BFDW), which would be absolutely catastrophic to the thesis of this blog, especially on its first day of Black vs. White.
Team Darkness, you are teetering on the precipice of history.
Ok, moving on.
100 people surveyed, top six answers on the board – name something that expires.
WASPS: “Milk” (#1), “driver’s license” (#2), “passport” (strike), “parking meter” (strike), ”fishing license” (strike – also, WASP Douche #1, what the fuck? Do you by chance have any cousins in Sad Diego?)
Team Darkness (for the steal): “People!!!” … screamed loud and with the fervorous passion of his African ancestors … strike.
WASPS win. I hate this white family. They inspire no white pride in me. I’m secretly pulling for Team Darkness … well, not really, because I can’t have my thesis shattered this early.
Other answers included, “credit card” (#3), “coupons” (#4), “warranty” (#5), “medication” (#6)
Final round – anyone’s game.
BFDW on the line.
100 people surveyed, top four on the board – name something that bears like to eat.
WASPS: “honey” (#1 – Darkness shut out in faceoffs), “squirrels” (strike – this came from Sexy Sarah’s sexy sister … and it was fucking stupid; do you know how hard it would be to catch a squirrel? God damned hard), “blueberries” (#3), “fish” (#2), give it to us, Sexy Sarah … “deer” .. wow, it would be damn sweet to watch a bear take down a deer (but not as sweet as watching a Shamu eat a great white), but it is also a dumb answer (strike), “rodents” (strike).
Team Darkness (for the steal/win): oh, Darkness … you went with “bugs” … no BFDW … whites win again, just like slavery … thesis saved.
Don't worry guys, your descendants lose on the Feud, but a black guy is President now, so they all get free Cadillacs pretty soon.
And white people’s 17th century-like dominance over blacks on the Family Feud Ranch is reasserted. After all, you can escape the plantation, but someone will eventually find you, because you are black and nobody else is … and, my daily comment that will send me to Hell is officially penned – huzzah!
You know it.
You love it.
Fast.
God.
Damn.
Fucking.
Money!
Boom, goes the dynamite!
Sexy Sarah, or 'tarded Sarah – you be the judge.
WASPS PLAYING FOR $17,000
Contestant #1: Ooh-la-la, Sexy Sarah
Besides cars, name something that people race: “Planes” (4 … uh, sexy Sarah … um … eh)
Name a good midnight snack: “Cookies” (7)
Tell me the age when a kid should start doing chores: “Seven” (18)
What is the last thing that you bought that you couldn’t afford? “A car” (32)
Give me a popular boy’s name that starts with the letter “J”: “John” (41)
108 points, Sexy Sarah
Contestant #2: Phi Kappa Douche
Besides cars, name something that people race: “Motorcycles” (24)
Name a good midnight snack: “Cookies” … buzzer … “pass” … incomprehensibly, “Milk Duds” (this is why I love the Feud – it got 4 … I am blown away)
Tell me the age when a kid should start doing chores: “Nine” (6)
What is the last thing that you bought that you couldn’t afford? “Car,” buzzer, “boat” (0 – What? Really?)
Give me a popular boy’s name that starts with the letter “J”: “James” (16)
50 points, Phi Kappa Douche
His smile and waive just added seven seconds to your life.
So, PKD costs them Fast Money, but, by God, I freaking loved that Milk Duds got four, because I thought that was the worst answer of all time.
Ok, I am out.
Stay Feudy, my friends.
