[ANYONE READING THIS WHO HAS NOT READ THE FFT MISSION STATEMENT NEEDS TO DO SO BEFORE READING ANY FURTHER, OR THE BLOG WILL MAKE LESS SENSE TO YOU/I WILL RAPE YOU]
He's imagining you are right beside him ... while holding his arm on your shoulder and shaking hands with your boob.
Oh, yes, it is that time – your weekly dose of daytime TV race war commentary!
And I don’t mean to shock you, but today it is … a black family (Johnson Fam/Team Blackitude – Los Angeles, CA) vs. a white family (Elias Fam/Team White Brain Slurry – Tucson, AZ).
Team White Brain Slurry has three things going against it – A) its patriarch’s shiny, orange face (I think an Oompa Loompa did his makeup); B) it sports a couple of old bags who are teachers and who you can just picture passive aggressively fucking with you after giving you elementary school detention; and C) the fact that it chose to live in Tucson, on purpose.
I have never understood why a reasonable American would wake up one day and think, “you know what, screw all the other awesome places to live, I am moving to a shantytown with a bunch of scary Mexicans and the look, feel and drug trafficking of a slightly less terrifying Juarez.”
Is this Tucson or North America's drug murder capitol? Trick question, because it is damn near impossible to tell the difference.
Anyway, we are on Black Family Potential Win Alert (BFPWA), because being from Tucson is even worse than being from San Diego (at least SD has sweet weather and the beach) and despite the fact that one of the black people is inexplicably still wearing the chef’s hat he wore for the intro scene.
Bullseye Round Comedic Occurrences of Note:
- Team Blackitude member Shondra McHugeboobs is asked to name a state that is too cold for a nudist to live, says “New York” and O’Hurley chuckles at her as he deftly turns to ask a board that he knows will offer a definitive strike.
- Miss Mchugeboobs’ teammate, Fatty O’Fattahan (what? Black people can have Irish names – maybe they are cousins of Donovan McNabb), is asked, “name a place that people sneak their dog in to” … “the … doctor” … just wow … but, in checking my list of racial stereotypes, this question was unfair, because black people fear dogs (unless they are fighting each other).
Ok, on to the real game.
The Johnsons are ready to cook up some ignorance!
Also, color me ‘tarded for not previously mentioning O’Hurley’s purple tie with … sparkles – only a Lothario of the highest order could pull off such a bold look. When he came out, O’Hurley had a look on his face that said, “that’s right, noontime television audience, I just cock-slapped you with my tie.”
He thought, "if I am going to be made to look stupid and bojangle on national television, I might as well do it with the class that comes with wearing a tall, puffy hat with no brim."
Surveyed 100 women, top five on board – name something you’d hate to read about the guy you almost married.
Team Blackitude comes out swinging with, “he’s gay” (#5) – Feud reinforcing more stereotypes: black people still hate gays! – and TWB Slurry hits us with, “he’s married” (#4).
Team White Brain Slurry: “married” (#4), “he’s a gambler” (strike – sounded like the old bag was speaking from experience, while also completely not understanding the question), “lost his job” (strike – do you have even a remote grasp on this question, Tusconians?), “serial killer” (#2 – O’Hurley makes a terrible joke about killing cereal and looks gorgeous doing it) and (get ready for your first gallantly quizzical wry grin/look to the side/lick of the lips so that the Feud’s resident wordsmith and gentleman-about-town can get a moment to pretend to gather his thoughts) “that he is a she“ (strike).
John, your wry grin makes me tingle in places that it shouldn't ... but please don't stop.
Team Blackitude (for the steal/still wearing chef hat): “that he has a disease” (strike – what? I thought that was pretty good; this game is racist! Oh, wait, that is the point of all these shenanigans … you may proceed).
O’Hurley makes a joke about how both teams obviously completely misunderstood the question, pointing out that one would likely only want to hear bad things about the person that one almost married and, thus, mocks the representatives of our nation’s ignorant masses while they are standing directly to his left and right.
Other answers: “he’s rich” (#1), “he’s dead” (#3)
100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board – name a famous “Mother.”
McHugeboobs goes for “Mother Hubbard” (#4) and one of the old bags from Slurry hits up, “Mother Goose” (#1 – I have watched like four episodes this week and black families have yet to win a single face-off, which goes back to the whole thesis of the blog).
Now you know what the face of someone who has paid for sex with a 13 year old Cambodian boy looks like.
Team White Brain Slurry: “Mother Goose” (#1), “Mother Theresa” (#2 – also, I have neglected to mention how nerdy/creepy the dude who gave this answer is; he’s like a cross between Dwight from The Office and … a hamster), “Mother Mary” (strike – come on, you old bag, it’s 2009), no answer (strike – shocking!), “Mothership” (strike – oh, Slurry patriarch, your brain is as inept as your face is orange).
Team Blackitude (for the steal/no longer wearing chef hat): “Mother Nature” (#5 – and a hip, hip, cheerie-O to you, Team Blackitude; you may well have what it takes to beat a dumb white family and then make the usual Bafflingly Horrible Black Family Fast Money Attempt (BHBFFMA)).
Rosemary and Faye will straight up smack you with a ruler and tell you that you will amount to nothing if you continue to put old gum under your desk.
Team Blackitude: 162
Team White Brain Slurry: 47
Anyone’s game.
Shane's face is the basis for Jack-o-lanterns.
100 people surveyed, top four on the board – name something you might see at a séance.
Blackitude’s old bag says, “dead bodies” … um, black people are apparently having some super fucked up séances, because that was out of left field … yeah, uh, throw your dead uncle on to the pile of bodies and we’ll see if we can’t get him to tell us his online banking password … anyway, Dwighamster guesses, “candles” (#1).
Black. People. Can’t. Win. Face-offs.
It’s not racist if it is true – plus, this black family will win the game in spite of it.
Team White Brain Slurry: “candles” (#1), “spirits” (#2), “people holding hands” (#3), the next answer must be “crystal ball,” so they should sweep out and win … but, Orangeman has something to share with us, “beads” (strike – I don’t even really know what to say … I shouldn’t be shocked, they live in Tucson), “Ouija board” (strike – if I am paying for a damned séance and the crazy spirit lady busts out a $25 children’s toy, I am punching her in the ovaries), “curtains” (strike – Dwighamster, you look like you went to Cal Tech, but you answer like you went to ITT Tech).
Team Blackitude (for the steal AND the game!): “crystal ball” (#4).
Blacks win! Blacks win! Blacks win! And they’re going crazy!
The Elias Family is so dumb that they don't even know they are white.
An epic choke on the part of Team White Brain Slurry, but, hey, we expected it all along. However, losing to black people on a show that is blatantly tilted towards white people is the greatest academic accomplishment in the history of the city of Tucson, so at least some good came out of this.
Wanna do some fast Money? Fucking A right, you do.
Not having actually played any Feud, the black team doesn’t really know who in the family is good at the game, so they go ahead and take the 15 year old kid who wore the chef hat and Shondra McHugeboobs, which makes sense, because they were both atrocious in their face-offs and, thus, should dominate a series of five very quickly asked/answered questions.
You are excited now, but won't be in about two minutes.
TEAM BLACKITUDE PLAYING FOR $15,000 (the bare minimum, due to the fact that their face-off ineptitude stayed true in the Bullseye Round)
Contestant #1: McHugeboobs
Name a color suit that you’d be surprised to see a businessman wearing: “pink” (23)
Besides walking, name something that feet do: run (19)
On a scale of 1-10, how much do you enjoy dirty jokes? “seven” (7 – it amazes me that people never figure out that the #1 answer on the “1-10″ questions is always “10″)
Give me a word that starts with the letter “Q”: “Quincy” (0 – oh, you think this is dumb? Wait until the next guy)
Name one person in your life who really knows how to push your buttons: “my mother” (11 – I found this to be a shockingly low number)
Points: 60 (on our way to a proper BHBFFMA)
Contestant #2: Creepy Chef Kid (O’Hurley, being the charming silver catamount that he is, makes a joke about how he wishes somebody would improve Irish food … the better joke would be making a 15 year old black kid point out Ireland on a map … and, you guessed it, I have now satisfied the racist comment that will send me to Hell portion of this blog)
Name a color suit that you’d be surprised to see a businessman wearing: “pink” (buzzer), purple (10)
Besides walking, name something that feet do: pass (0)
On a scale of 1-10, how much do you enjoy dirty jokes? “10″ (24 – well, this kid figured it out and, when you read his next answer, you will realize that even the world’s dumbest person can solve the mysteries of the Feud)
Give me a word that starts with the letter “Q”: “Cupid” (0 – there are so many layers to the ignorance of this answer, but I will simply respond by pointing out that it shocked O’Hurley – a man as classy and professional as a three piece suit smeared with caviar – into pausing a full two seconds and fumbling through the next question)
Name one person in your life who really knows how to push your buttons: “my mother” (buzzer), “Dad” (0)
Total points: 94
The gruesome face of a Bafflingly Horrible Black Family Fast Money Attempt.
Wow, a show of ineptitude the likes of which this Feudman has never seen … since the last time I watched a black family play Fast Money.
Hooray for BHBFFMA!
FFT, out.
Love the new format. Keep it up