Blackitude answered two of 10 questions correctly last time ... and won! Sometimes, ignorance is a bold strategy ... other times, blind luck happens.
[ANYONE READING THIS WHO HAS NOT READ THE FFT MISSION STATEMENT NEEDS TO DO SO BEFORE READING ANY FURTHER, OR THE BLOG WILL MAKE LESS SENSE TO YOU/I WILL COCK-PUNCH YOU]
I know it has been a full week since your friendly neighborhood Feudman introduced you to Team Blackitude and its lovable band of dim-witted Feuders, but they are all back to spunk shitty survey answers all over your glasses and to, hopefully, lose all of their faceoffs – again – still win and then hit us up with a BHBFFMA.
A boy can dream …
This time, McCain is smart enough to battle the great black foe without Sarah Palin.
Oh, and by the by – Blackitude is faced with a new and ridiculously more racist challenge than taking down some orange and white mouth-breathers from Tucson. Nope, this week they face … wait for it … wait for it … the McCain Family, from Dallas, TX … all wearing cowboy hats.
You read that right – McCain vs. Black People.
I think we have been here before … oh Feud, you mirror our complex society so accurately with your unabashed race wars theme – the cowboy hat-clad McCains A) need no nickname; B) are most certainly not Democrats; and C) likely hate black people.
If the Johnsons win again today and face the O’Reilly Family tomorrow, I’m going to soil my knickers (whoops, too late).
On to the meat of it (I’m trying to shorten this up for you whiny bitches) – can Blackitude break free from the oppressive chains of face-off ineptitude?
Bullseye Round Comedic Occurrences of Note:
- Our old friend Shondra McHugeboobs is asked to name a food that goes well with a frankfurter and I almost lose it when I think she says, “hot dog,” but O’Hurley makes her repeat herself and she really said, “hot sauce,” which is either second worst to “hot dog” as an answer for that survey, or just a simple reaffirmation of the racial stereotype that black people put hot sauce on EVERYTHING – you make the call (and needless to say, the face-off streak still lives and the #1 answer was “beans”).
- I laugh at the question, “name something you pull out,” because of my immediate impulse answer (take a guess), then the fat blond chick from the McCain clan gives a dumb answer and one of the old black ladies on the other team comes up with nothing … this face-off streak is getting to DiMaggio-esque levels (#1, “drawer”).
- Creepy Chef kid busts out a winner (but not an actual face-off winner) – “what would you do if you found out they overpaid you at work?”; “get excited” – after which the pseudo-lesbo white McCain woman (in some kind of teal jacket) answers, “tell the payroll clerk” (#1) … do I touch the racial implications here? White people … honest … black people … stealing … nah, I am not going there (streak now at 11, btw).
- Final bullseye face-off, $5,000 on the line – can Blackitude get any extra money in to their bank?!? The tension is killing me … Fatty O’Fattahan to the podium against what looks to be the suspender-rocking old guy from Gilmore Girls/all those Dodge commercials (yes, I used to watch Gilmore Girls … whatever) … “name a popular flavor of lollipop” – bam! Wheelhouse – black people love anything with sugar. O’Fattahan brings the pain with, “cherry.” Streak ended! And everyone goes crazy … ok, only I went crazy.
It looks like the Gilmore Grandpa swallowed a brand new Dodge Ram.
With that historic event out of the way – and with Team Blackitude’s bank absolutely busting at the seams with a robust $20,000 – we move on to the real game.
His tie just made love to your eyes.
Also, O’Hurley’s tie is so shiny and electric that I honestly have no clue what color it is, but, if you want me to posit a guess, I will say it’s the color sexy.
100 people surveyed, top seven answers on the board – a song might be a hit, name something else that can be.
McCains: “movie” (#1), “relationship” (strike – boring people on the Feud [so, everyone on the Feud] always love to find a way to sneak in blindly stupid/non-applicable answers that reference how happy they are in some lame-ass marriage to some ugly-ass person), “TV show” (#2), “baseball” (#6 – clever girl), no answer from Gilmore Grandpa (strike), “hit and run” (strike three)
Team Blackitude (for the steal): (after everyone on the team incessantly/intelligently screams “movie,” which is already on the board, at the family’s matriarch) “book” (#5 – Team Blackitude says “take that, White America – you totally thought black people didn’t know about books, but we know they are out there, so screw you!”)
Blackitude: 64, McCains: 0
[Shondra's disturbingly huge boobs bounce around like little boob elves are using them as a fun bounce inside her shirt as she walks to the podium]
She may not be the brightest bulb and her name may not actually be Shondra, but ... I lost my train of thought ... giant boobs.
Surveyed 100 people, top seven on board, points doubled – give me a word or phrase beginning with the word, “mouth.”
Boob Elf Power! Shondra wins! Two Blackitude face-off wins today … I’m reeling … reeling, people!
This picture just asked you to go sit down, fill out six forms, in triplicate, and then get back in line.
(for the first time ever, not going for the steal) Team Blackitude: “mouthwash” (#1), (it bears mentioning that old black lady, Shirley, who is in this slot, looks like the kind of old black lady that would A) scare the shit out of me if she were my Mom – and not just because it would be weird if my Mom was suddenly black – and B) give me a totally disaffected run-around at the New Orleans DMV, immediately after helping a black person get out of there in 10 seconds, despite us having the same issue) “mouth odor” (strike – this answer really creeped me out), “mouth guard” (#6), “mouthpiece” (#4), “foot-in-mouth” (strike – how could that not be there? That phrase begins in “mouth,” right? I’m baffled), “mighty mouth” (strike – Shondra’s overwhelming stupidity was evidenced in yesterday’s BHBFFMA, but this is our first real taste of it in actual game play and, as we can see, her face-off win was absolute dumb luck; however, Shondra’s ignorance allowed us to glimpse the rare, disgusted, “I cannot believe I have to waste actual seconds of my life asking an electronic board to reveal this horrifyingly imbecilic answer that has absolutely no chance of being right” turn/facial expression combo from O’Hurley – a classic look from a classic talent).
"I could be out pleasing the masses with my loins right now, but, instead, this ... I'm calling my god damned agent as soon as we wrap up."
McCains (for the steal and to get a little revenge from the 2008 election cycle): “mouthwatering” (#7 – “take that, Team Obama!” said Gilmore Grandpa).
Other answers included “mouth off” (#3), “mouth-to-mouth” (#4), “mouth of a river” (#5 – which is more retarded: that three people said that, or that they panned over to Creepy Chef Kid and he obviously said, “what is that?”)
Team Blackitude: 64, McCains: 116
Blackitude needs to stick to losing face-offs and stealing.
Final round, 100 people surveyed, points tripled – name a place where you often get seated …
McCain slut (buzzing in early): “uh … a movie” (strike – best part, aside from her answering after only having heard part of the question, who gets seated at a movie, anymore? What is it, 1955? I love the the simpletons of the Feud)
… next to an obnoxious drunk.
O'Hurley at a loss ... what have you done, you evil, ebony succubus?
Blackitude (playing from in front yet again): “bar” (#1), “baseball game” (#2 – apparently, Creepy Chef Kid has been seated next to me at a baseball game), “church” (strike – this leads to a round of laughter and a relatively wry O’Hurley grin; I think it was more of a confused grin … also, black church has always seemed fun and now I find out people are drunk there? Sign me up!), “airplane” (strike – apparently, the family matriarch has been seated next to me on an airplane … also, how is that a strike?), “hotel” (strike – in case you hadn’t guessed, that was Shondra, and I am pretty sure that O’Hurley, were he not bursting with the effervescent self-control of a cat burglar who is hosting the Oscars, wants to punch her in the face … at least until he finds out that, of course, when black people go to hotels, they get rooms without beds … don’t worry, that doesn’t send me to Hell just yet, but we’ll get there …).
McCains (for the win!): “restaurant” (strike – WHAT???)
Other answers were, “concert” (#3), “bus” (#4), “subway” (#5), “wedding” (#6), “hospital” (#7).
Team Blackitude: 259, McCains: 116
No team has reached 300, so we go to SUDDEN DEATH!!!
Basically, it’s just a bullseye face-off – whichever team guesses the #1 answer first wins. Blackitude would usually be at an extreme disadvantage, given its long streak of face-off failure, but its win-streak now stands at two and it’s ready to cock that podium in two.
Teal Jacket vs. Creepy Chef Kid
100 women surveyed – name something Oprah has that you wish you had.
Creepy Chef Kid: “money” (#1 – two-day black streak! What were the odds?)
Bad year for McCain families everywhere, as they continue to be drubbed by countless black people – sorry guys, it’s 2009 and the tables have turned. You had a good run (but you sucked on the Feud).
The mourning of conservatives across the nation aside, we got some Figgity-Fast, Black Family Money!
Can anyone say BHBFFMA?
For some reason, Blackitude chooses two completely different contestants – I guess the $470 that Shondra and Creepy Chef brought home yesterday wasn’t enough to get the power turned back on … and, you guessed it, that, my friends, was my Weekly Racist Comment That Likely Seals My Fate in Hell.
Shirley looks a lot more like and angry sloth than she does an awesome Fast Money player.
$20,000 on the line.
Contestant #1: Scary Shirley (who looks like it would take her four hours to make a bowel movement, let alone answer five quick survey questions)
Name a part of the body that people are able to wiggle, if they want to: “fingers” (6)
Name an animal that can never really be tamed: “lion” (27 – #1)
Name something an Eskimo might own: “ice” (0 – a classic BHBFFMA answer, I’d be shocked if I hadn’t seen so damn many of them)
Tell me the age when most kids learn how to ride a bike: “five” (35 – #1)
Name a sport you can play your entire life: “baseball” (2 – yeah, nobody ever retires from playing baseball; golf, anyone?)
Points: 70
Contestant #2: Momma Matriarch
Name a part of the body that people are able to wiggle, if they want to: “behind” (15 – back dat ass up, Momma!)
Name an animal that can never really be tamed: “lion” (buzzer), “bear” (5)
Name something an Eskimo might own: “big coat” (23 – #1)
Tell me the age when most kids learn how to ride a bike: “three” (12)
Name a sport you can play your entire life: “bowling” (6 – #1 answer was … golf … must … restrain … self … from … ah, fuck it, maybe their ignorance of this is due to the fact that I’m pretty sure black people aren’t allowed in to the clubhouses … and, more Hell for me)
Points: 130
So, three #1 answers and only one zero, as opposed to yesterday’s four (not to mention nothing as horrifying as “Q-upid”), but still well short of the promised land of 200, thus making it a true BHBFFMA.
O'Hurley is off to Cocksman's convention, so he'll take that rub down you promised him next week.
And with that, O’Hurley and I cordially bid you adieu.
I find your writing to be of the highest of art forms.