He's back ... and you've just soiled yourself ... lock it up, man.
Can you smell it?
No, not that – the other thing … still no?
Ok, whatever, it’s doesn’t matter – it’s Feudin’ time!
Once again, I can’t stress the importance of reading the FFT Mission Statement if you are new to the blog and – even though a Sikh Indian wedding kept me from posting it last week (which means two weeks worth of amoral depravity this week) – be sure to keep up with the empty-minded stylings of our nation’s most disturbing state on FFT’s back page, FLORIDA WATCH!!!
The gavel is used to fight off the cops.
Here we go, curtains up and … the Evans family – spirited black folks who each have a hand on a gigantic gavel … since they are black, I assume this is meant to symbolize the fact that they spend like 50% of their time in a courtroom … and, yup, I knocked it out early this week – that was my Weekly Racist Comment That Likely Seals My Fate in Hell.
Glad we got that out of the way – the Evans fam will go by the name The Black Arm of the Law, btw.
We're halfwits!
We move across the stage to … the Hartpence family – guess their ethnicity … I hope to God you guessed white, because, otherwise, this Feudman is not doing his job.
Anyway, nothing about these people interests me – as they appear to possess the unbridled enthusiasm and all-around mental incapacity of the kind of family that is heavily involved in a bible church (except the eerily calm milktoast couple on the couch) – so I’m gonna steal a page from my buddy VPW’s fantasy basketball team and call them The All Whites.
The Black Arm of the Law vs. The All Whites – let’s get it on!
Bullseye Round Comedic Occurrences of Note:
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Get out of my head, Shirley!
I swear to Satan the Evans family poached angry Shirley from Team Blackitude, slapped a different shiny wig on her, gave her a nametag that says “Brenda” and just hoped nobody would notice – just look at the damn pictures before you get me for the whole, “oh, all black people look the same to you, eh?”
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By molding her hair in to the shape of a stylish elite military dude/gay French guy hat, Robin kills two birds with one stone ... if she ever joins the Green Berets or becomes a gay French guy.
Black Arm’s Robin – whose hair has been intelligently molded in to the shape of a beret – was asked to name a sound that one might hear at the beach and, of course, responded with, “a whistle.” Do I make a joke about black people not knowing about the beach because they are afraid of the water, here … ? Nah, I’m already going to Hell this week (answer was, shockingly, “waves”).
The Black Arm of the Law playing for: $21,000
The All Whites playing for: $24,000
Big numbers, people – my nads just got a little tingle … but that may have been due to O’Hurley’s seemingly khaki tie that somehow figures out a way to be shiny … O’Hurley is so dazzling that he can make earth tones spunk all over your sweater vest …
Jesus Chirst – fuck off, family band.
The All Whites just got even whiter, as they decided to introduce themselves in the introduce yourself segment by singing a fucking song with an acoustic guitar … and, that settles it, I’m rooting for the black people.
Also, the song had many astounding elements, none of which were related to simply telling us where they are from.
Also, we found out that the Black Arm is from Cleveland and they did the gavel thing because their main dude is the youngest male magistrate in the history of Cleveland … whatever … I write a quasi-racist blog about a cheesy daytime TV show … same difference … what?
Digressions aside, Feud time:
Surveyed 100 people, top seven answers on the board – past or present, name a famous all-boy band …
The white songmaster buzzes in and I paused it to type in, “All Whites: ‘NSYNC (#1)” … and then this douchebag chimes in with, “Boys II Men” … which is what I would have expected from the Magistrate … it comes in at #5 and then the Magistrate hits us with, “‘NSYNC” … #1.
Today, my friends, these Family Feud families are crushing racial stereotypes with … a giant novelty gavel.
Wanda would make an excellent ... crazy old lady who is scary as shit.
The Black Arm of the Law: “‘NSYNC” (#1), “The Jackson 5″ (#6 – that’s more like it Brenda/Shirley, give the Feudman back his stereotypes, people!), “The Partridge Family” (strike – see, this answer hearkens back to the thesis of this blog, which is that black people are at a disadvantage due to the black/white cultural gap and the propensity for random survey respondents likely being mostly white; Wanda, who is terrifying, knows nothing of the Partridge Family, she just knows they were white people and, setting aside the fact that not many families are all dudes, after the Jackson Five and Boys II Men were gone, she tried to think like a white person … fail), “Backstreet Boys” (#2 – if The Beatles don’t show up here, I am gonna be pissed; I hate that history ignores that they were nothing more than a doucher boy band who eventually did a bunch of drugs and were already so famous that people just decided they were making the greatest music of all time and would have decided so even if their albums were just audio of them eating ham sandwiches), “The Osmonds” (strike – incredible, resident crazy old black man, Ted, did the same damn thing the other woman did … I’m speechless … and I think O’Hurley would have punched this guy if he didn’t think he’d get a taste of Ted’s belt upside his head before he could get to him … Ted and his whole family were baffled when this came up a strike, btw), “New Edition” (strike – I asked for my stereotype answers back and I got them).
Ted is mad at you for eatin' up all the pig's feet – he wants some pig's feet, too!
Dear black people – white people do not know about New Edition.
All Whites for the assuredly inevitable steal: “New Kids on the Block” (#5 – it’s like taking candy from a … black person)
Other Answers: “Jonas Brothers” (#3), “The Beatles” (#4 – thank you, Jesus)
All Whites: 44
Black Arm: 0
Surveyed 100 people, top seven answers on the board – name something a clumsy surgeon might accidentally leave behind in a patient …
Brenda/Shirley goes with “scalpel,” which comes in at #2 and the Boring Looking Wife of Ricky the Ignoramus from the All Whites (BLWRTIFTAW) serves up, “rubber gloves” for #5 – let’s walk it over to The Black Arm of the Law …
Black Arm: “scalpel” (#2), “scissors” (strike), “mask” (strike – um … eh, fuck it – here comes Ted, claiming, “I’m gonna save ‘em …”), “gauze” (#4 – well done, Ted, you saved ‘em … that oughta earn you a tall beer and a pack of Kools from that uppity lawyer kid in your family who don’t respect his elders), “a piece of jewelry” (#3 – what the Hell?), “a piece of paper” (strike – uh, Brenda/Shirley … I have no clue how to react to this asinine response).
All Whites for the steal with the #1 answer still on the board: “sponge” (#1)
Other Answers: “needle” (#6 – a disturbing prospect, dear lord), “forceps” (#7)
The All Whites: 136
The Black Arm of the Law: 0
100 people surveyed, top eight on the board – name something people wear for protection …
[Now you're just baiting me, O'Hurley ...]
You cunning trickster, we're putty in your hands ...
Black Arm: “raincoat” (#1 – that wouldn’t have been #1 around the people I hang out with … but, as evidenced by the last 20-30 years in black culture, my answer is not very prevalent … it’s not racist if it’s true, folks), “bulletproof vest” (#3 – oh, come on black people, you are just lobbing me softballs … A) this is said before anyone says, “condom,” suggesting that bullet proof vests are more common in black communities than condoms – I’ll buy that, btw; and B) there will be less of a need to wear bullet proof vests in black communities in the future if folks start wearing condoms now … I am having too much fun … and possibly being way too racist for comfort … you make the call), (O’Hurley leads in to Ted by saying, “you betcha … it’s rough out there” as he tries not to laugh at the racial implications he is tip-toeing beyond) “condom” (#2 – he gets a wry grin from O’Hurley, but the best part is how enthusiastic and shocked his family was by this answer; they were jumping and screaming “good answer” with an “I never would have thought of that one!” sense of overpowering delight … I love you, Family Feud), “helmet” (#4 – O’Hurley then brandishes the gavel over the Magistrate’s head as if he plans to strike him, then quietly sets it down and moves on like the illusory devil that he is), “knee pads” (strike), “umbrella” (strike – Wanda wears her umbrella at all times), (after much deliberation, Robin comes up with…) “chaps” (strike – and may God have mercy on your soul).
Laugh now, buddy – I think he almost took you out for reals, yo.
All Whites for the steal and the win: “sunscreen” (#8 – the minimum of two people answered this and the alarmingly ignorant All Whites fell ass backward in to a win against a black family despite being alarmingly more stupid, which happens a lot)
Other answers: “seatbelts” (#5), “glasses/goggles” (#6), “gun” (#7)
The All Whites: 379
The Black Arm of the Law: 0
A tragic end for a tragically memorable family – good luck, Cleveland legal system … you’re going to need it (and Uncle Ted is gonna need you).
Fast Money time, fools!
Contestant #1: Some White Guy Named Larry (The All Whites stole every round, so I haven’t even seen this dude since that infuriating song)
Name an occupation in which people need to be able to spell well: “teacher” (22)
Name something you do right before you leave the house:”lock the door” (26)
Name a wild animal that you usually find in cities: “raccoons” (21)
How long do you usually stay in a bad mood? “a day” (30)
Name something people squeeze: “lemons” (41)
O'Hurley goes in for a smooch ... lucky Larry.
Points: 140 (it’s been so long since I have seen a white family play Fast Money that I forgot this was even possible)
Contestant #2: Ricky the Song-singing Ignoramus
Name an occupation in which people need to be able to spell well: “doctor” (0)
Name something you do right before you leave the house: “say goodbye to your wife” (0)
Name a wild animal that you usually find in cities: “coyote” (3)
How long do you usually stay in a bad mood? “an hour” (14)
Name something people squeeze: “good luck charm” (0)
Visual evidence of Ricky's preposterous density.
Points: 157
I would not want to look at that screen either, you fucking 'tard.
A truly uninspired effort on the part of Ricky the Ignoramus – 17 points … a significantly more astounding Fast Money failure than any that this Feudman has ever seen.
The best part was that I hated this guy so much for the entire show that watching him fail was the highlight of my week … thus shining a glaring light on the sad and pathetic existence of your mighty Feudman.
He's smiling because he's seen you naked ... and he's not impressed.
Another Feud in the books, friends.
Make your day special … by masturbating to nugget porn.
Man do I love the Feud blog. Thank you Feudman for showng that the USofA PC bullshit is gay and racial crap can be funny (I’m a black dude). You are doing the Lord’s work, Feudman. Keep it up.