Rickey says, "I like fire engines!"

The new Florida Watch site is under construction.

FFT is on Holiday suspension until January 5, 2010, at which point it will likely be discontinued as a regular blog, due to its painstaking effort on the Feudman’s part and the fact that you people obviously prefer Florida Watch.

We will check back in with Ricky and the gang at some point, so no worries.

So, check back in soon and hit yourself up with some awesome.

Well, in case you were wondering whether or not there is a God, I just scored the answer – it’s yes – because we get to watch Ricky play Fast Money, again.

Obviously, his spirited 17-point effort on last week’s episode impressed his brilliant family enough that they decided to give him another go – dynamite decision-making is a cornerstone of the All Whites’ collective brilliance.

Let’s get to it – Fast God Damned Money!

Blam!

All Whites playing for $22,000

Ricky waits to lay a turd right next to O'Hurley's $3,000 shoes ... he might have a better chance in Fast Money if he keeps the headphones on and blurts out random words for 25 seconds ...

Contestant #1: Larry (awesome, Ricky is the closer again – last time, he needed 60 points to win and was unable to get even a third of the way there … I’m trembling with excitement)

Name a part of your body that seems to get hotter than all the rest: “head” (26 – aren’t you just dying to know how many people said “balls” … ? No? Guess it’s just me … ah, well)

Name something gifted children do at an early age: “read” (25)

Name a good sport for short people: “baseball” (5)

Tell me how many people you’d invite to a dinner party: “10″ (12)

Name the worst thing to miss if you oversleep: “work” (44)

Points: 112

Aw, shucks – Ricky has no damned clue what is happening right now ... and, Larry, leaving 88 points up there for Ricky is like taping candy 20 feet up a marble wall and asking a baby to go get it.

Contestant #2: Ricky the Song-Singing Ignoramus (can he make it to 20!?!)

Name a part of your body that seems to get hotter than all the rest: “feet” (13)

Name something gifted children do at an early age: “talk” (23 – two answers in and Ricky has doubled his “special” effort from last time … what’s gonna happen!?! I’m freaking out! Not really)

Name a good sport for short people: “jockey” (8)

So close to the candy ... both O'Hurley's and the money ... what?

Tell me how many people you’d invite to a dinner party: “8″ (18 – he needs 26 here and he may well get it … can you feel it in the air? This shit is palpable, people … incidentally, Ricky is so nervous that he is essentially giving O’Hurley a bear hug and our dashing rogue host responds with, “this is just for body warmth and nothing else”)

Name the worst thing to miss if you oversleep: “school” (0)

Usually, 62 points is an atrocious effort, but, hey, it's Ricky – cut him some slack and he'll draw a picture of his parents' house for you in crayon.

Points: 174

This brings Ricky’s two-day total to 79 points – why don’t you write a song about it, bitch?

I hope to God the All Whites get to five straight days and trot Ricky out there every time, because this is just too much fun.

O'Hurley says, "Ricky's coming back ... if I don't stab him in the jugular for invading my closing shot ... toodles!"

That’s it — remember to check Florida Watch tomorrow afternoon and keep on Feudlin’ …

Part 2 is ready to spray it all over your glasses … Boom!

The White Bags of Shit reveal that they are from Rancho Cucamonga (don’t care enough to look up how that is really spelled), CA and the All Whites are still from the bowels of Hell, as they replayed their lovely song.

All Whites playing for: $22,000

White Bags of Shit playing for: $18,000

100 people surveyed, top eight answers on the board – name something that would be painful to have removed from your body  …

Ricky looking about as dignified as he possibly can.

Ricky, All Whites: “a piercing” (strike – I … can’t keep coming up with shit for Ricky for much longer)

Joey, Bags of Shit: “tattoo” (#1 – this guy is like Ricky Light, he sounded like a really excited Mongoloid when he made his proclomation)

[Bags of Shit control]

Erin: “ingrown toenail” (#7 – I feel like I am takinig crazy pills, as I thought that answer was dogshit … how about a limb?)

Amy: “a baby” (strike – Amy says this because she is pregnant, lame and thinks she’s really clever right now)

Christie: “a leg” (strike – dude, what the fuck? I guess America doesn’t share my irrational fear of accidental amputation …)

Mike: “Appendix” (#8 – I had my appendix removed and felt almost no pain)

Durr ... my name ers Joey ... durr ...

Joey: “sutures” (strike – it should be pointed out that any grown man who calls himself “Joey” – or “Ricky” – instead of the other more adult options should A) not be the leader of your family on the Feud; and B) be awarded an automatic 40-point IQ cut when encountered).

[Control goes to All Whites, for the steal]

Ricky: “tooth” (#5 – celebratory retard jump!)

Other answers: “hair” (#2 – what? #2? What the fuck …?), “mole” (#3), “wart” (#4), “tumor” (#6 – is it me, or do these last three not have relatively painless removal processes, these days? A leg, however, comes off and causes a few pain issues … I hate the American public)

All Whites: 37

The Flaming White Bag of Shit: 0

Point values doubled, 100 people surveyed, top eight answers on the board – name an animal that can kill with its bite …

Marla, All Whites: “bear” (#4)

Erin, Shit Bags: “snake” (#1)

[Control to Shit Bags]

Amy: “crocodile” (#5 – across the room, Ricky thinks, “that thing in my Daddy’s pants!”)

Christie: “lion” (#3 )

Mike: “shark” (#6 – two spots after a bear … I seriously think this country has finally gone ‘tarded … man, I am making fun of retards a lot in this blog … see what happens when you take race wars out of your show, Family Feud? Retards suffer. It’s you who is mocking retards, Feud – not me. O’Hurley is ashamed to be a part of your non-racist, retard-hating charade!)

Joey: “cheetah” (strike – aside from this being dumb, I enjoyed this answer because I pictured Joey, technically a 30-year old man, arguing with his friends about which animal would win in a race, a cheetah or a puma and him being like, “cheetahs are the superduper-fasterest and you buttheads are stupid faces! Now get out of my treehouse!”)

Erin: “spider” (strike – much better than cheetah and preposterous that it is not in this confounded survey of braindead dolts)

Amy: “pit bull” (strike – better answer would have been “Michael Vick” … no? We’re over Michael Vick jokes? And that wasn’t even a good/functional Vick joke to begin with? Ok … sorry … I’m gonna go hide in Joey’s treehouse)

[Control to All Whites, for the steal]

Ricky: “tiger” (#2 – incidentally, Ricky went over and asked Joey if he wanted to come over and … I have no clue what 10 year olds do anymore … trade Pokemon cards? Was that like 1999, or is that still going on? Get back to me … oh, and also, when Ricky gave his answer, he prefaced with, “lions and tigers and bears, oh my!” Not kidding)

Other answers: “scorpion” (#7), “wolf” (#8)

All Whites: 185

Shit Bags: 0

Point values tripled, 100 people surveyed, top eight answers on the board – name something that newlyweds are not used to sharing …

This is amazing, Kevin from the All Whites – another dude that looks like a child in a man’s body – replied with the answer a 10-year old boy would give …

Kevin, All Whites: “a bed!” (#1 – at least there are a proud few out there who are still not living in sin before being wed … unlike the Feudman … we can add the Kevster to Ricky and Joey’s slumber party, btw … O’Hurley will pass, in favor of hosting his annual Silver Fox Sex Camp, which happens in his bedroom and consists of he and 15 female USC freshman doing things to each other that even Tommy Lee shies away from)

"You got a danish on you, O'Hurley?"

Larry: “holidays” (strike – hey Larry, you’re fat and dumb)

Diane: “toothpaste” (strike – really, Diane? It was a horrible adjustment for you to begin squeezing goo out of the same tube as your obese husband? I would be more worried about sharing a toilet with that lardass … Feudman getting angry …).

Ricky: “bathroom” (#2 – oh no, I just gave the same answer as Ricky … which means … I’ll be there and I’m bringing the Pokemon shit!)

Marla: “money” (#3)

Kevbo: “house” (#5)

Larry: “cooking” (strike – yes, Diane was totally unprepared for the task of crafting eight meals a day for her ravenous husband at the time of their marriage, but now she’s making do)

[Control to Bags of Shit]

Joey: “chores” (strike – Joey, it’s newlyweds, not your “stupid dorkface kid sister”)

Other answers: “toothbrush” (#4 – who shares toothbrushes? Gross), “secrets” (#6), “closet” (#7), “time” (#8)

All Whites: 431

The Flaming White Bag of Shit: 0

Congratulations to the Flaming White Bag of Shit for getting shutout by a family with the combined mental capacity of a fish tank – you really did yourselves a shameful disservice and I’m proud of you.

Tomorrow … we … play … Fast Money … with a family of morons … my friends … stay tuned!

Hello, John – it's me, the Feudman ...

Wait, so you thought that I would leave the All Whites alone?

Are you mad?

They sang a song about themselves and are led by an instant FFT legend and one of history’s greatest cheesedicks – Ricky the Song-Singing Ignoramus.

I couldn’t let Ricky’s epic and undying faggotry lie, friends … it just wouldn’t be ethical from the perspective of a grown man who spends his days blogging about Family Feud.

One announcement is necessary before we proceed – with the stress of writing this blog in one day and the realization that most of you do not read the whole thing due to its severe length, I will now be releasing the blog in three parts (intro-through-bullseye, actual game play, Fast Money) on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoons.

What this means to you is that you can check FFT for new content four days a week, since you know you’ll be moseying over on Friday afternoons to be earfucked by FLORIDA WATCH!!!

Not only that, but these posts will be significantly less daunting to consume when chopped in to three parts, because, hey, your Feudman looks out for you and your infant-like attention span.

For those of you who don’t know the drill – read the damned Mission Statement before proceeding with this or any other FFT post and let’s play the friggin’ Feud already.

Blam!

Ricky has a secret ... he pooped his pants ... again.

Ok, so you know the feared/possibly mentally handicapped All Whites – now on to their second day – but let’s see who they’re playing … egads, it’s a white family!

This insane development has rocked your Feudman to his very core … it’s chaos … can I even pay attention to this episode?

Where’s my usual race war?

Ok, ok … I can do this … they’re just messing with me … everything will be ok … we’ll just act like the other family is black … how am I gonna come up with anything racist to say?

I’ll figure it out – What Would O’Hurley Do?

He’d throw on a tuxedo, bind/gag/trap his next door neighbor in a closet and then make him listen in agony as he seduces and pleasures the man’s wife, that’s what.

So, let’s get on with this bitch.

That. Just. Happened.

The other white family is the Stevenson family, btw – The Flaming White Bag of Shit (which is what they were to me when I saw they were not black).

Let’s go!

Franks and beans, franks and beans ...

Bullseye Round Comedic Occurrences of Note:

• Shockingly, Ricky looks like an absolute moron.

• Just when I got worried that the mindless boobishness of Ricky’s affect would be the only humorous aspect of the bullseye round (and just when I also worried that a battle between two white families would be low on amusing answers), All Whites All-Star, Fat Diane, responded to O’Hurley’s $5,000 prompt to “name a country that has a large population with, “Europe!” … we could be in for an interesting day, friends (answer: China) … O’Hurley’s post-strike reaction, “that’s … not … quite … a country.”

Oh John, you cad.

[END OF PART 1]

He's back ... and you've just soiled yourself ... lock it up, man.

Can you smell it?

No, not that – the other thing … still no?

Ok, whatever, it’s doesn’t matter – it’s Feudin’ time!

Once again, I can’t stress the importance of reading the FFT Mission Statement if you are new to the blog and – even though a Sikh Indian wedding kept me from posting it last week (which means two weeks worth of amoral depravity this week) – be sure to keep up with the empty-minded stylings of our nation’s most disturbing state on FFT’s back page, FLORIDA WATCH!!!

The gavel is used to fight off the cops.

Here we go, curtains up and … the Evans family – spirited black folks who each have a hand on a gigantic gavel … since they are black, I assume this is meant to symbolize the fact that they spend like 50% of their time in a courtroom … and, yup, I knocked it out early this week – that was my Weekly Racist Comment That Likely Seals My Fate in Hell.

Glad we got that out of the way – the Evans fam will go by the name The Black Arm of the Law, btw.

We're halfwits!

We move across the stage to … the Hartpence family – guess their ethnicity … I hope to God you guessed white, because, otherwise, this Feudman is not doing his job.

Anyway, nothing about these people interests me – as they appear to possess the unbridled enthusiasm and all-around mental incapacity of the kind of family that is heavily involved in a bible church (except the eerily calm milktoast couple on the couch) – so I’m gonna steal a page from my buddy VPW’s fantasy basketball team and call them The All Whites.

The Black Arm of the Law vs. The All Whites – let’s get it on!

Bullseye Round Comedic Occurrences of Note:

• 

  Get out of my head, Shirley!

  I swear to Satan the Evans family poached angry Shirley from Team Blackitude, slapped a different shiny wig on her, gave her a nametag that says “Brenda” and just hoped nobody would notice – just look at the damn pictures before you get me for the whole, “oh, all black people look the same to you, eh?”
  

• 

  By molding her hair in to the shape of a stylish elite military dude/gay French guy hat, Robin kills two birds with one stone ... if she ever joins the Green Berets or becomes a gay French guy.

  Black Arm’s Robin – whose hair has been intelligently molded in to the shape of a beret – was asked to name a sound that one might hear at the beach and, of course, responded with, “a whistle.” Do I make a joke about black people not knowing about the beach because they are afraid of the water, here … ? Nah, I’m already going to Hell this week (answer was, shockingly, “waves”).

The Black Arm of the Law playing for: $21,000

The All Whites playing for: $24,000

Big numbers, people – my nads just got a little tingle … but that may have been due to O’Hurley’s seemingly khaki tie that somehow figures out a way to be shiny … O’Hurley is so dazzling that he can make earth tones spunk all over your sweater vest …

Jesus Chirst – fuck off, family band.

The All Whites just got even whiter, as they decided to introduce themselves in the introduce yourself segment by singing a fucking song with an acoustic guitar … and, that settles it, I’m rooting for the black people.

Also, the song had many astounding elements, none of which were related to simply telling us where they are from.

Also, we found out that the Black Arm is from Cleveland and they did the gavel thing because their main dude is the youngest male magistrate in the history of Cleveland … whatever … I write a quasi-racist blog about a cheesy daytime TV show … same difference … what?

Digressions aside, Feud time:

Surveyed 100 people, top seven answers on the board – past or present, name a famous all-boy band …

The white songmaster buzzes in and I paused it to type in, “All Whites: ‘NSYNC (#1)” … and then this douchebag chimes in with, “Boys II Men” … which is what I would have expected from the Magistrate … it comes in at #5 and then the Magistrate hits us with, “‘NSYNC” … #1.

Today, my friends, these Family Feud families are crushing racial stereotypes with … a giant novelty gavel.

Wanda would make an excellent ... crazy old lady who is scary as shit.

The Black Arm of the Law: “‘NSYNC” (#1), “The Jackson 5″ (#6 – that’s more like it Brenda/Shirley, give the Feudman back his stereotypes, people!), “The Partridge Family” (strike – see, this answer hearkens back to the thesis of this blog, which is that black people are at a disadvantage due to the black/white cultural gap and the propensity for random survey respondents likely being mostly white; Wanda, who is terrifying, knows nothing of the Partridge Family, she just knows they were white people and, setting aside the fact that not many families are all dudes, after the Jackson Five and Boys II Men were gone, she tried to think like a white person … fail), “Backstreet Boys” (#2 – if The Beatles don’t show up here, I am gonna be pissed; I hate that history ignores that they were nothing more than a doucher boy band who eventually did a bunch of drugs and were already so famous that people just decided they were making the greatest music of all time and would have decided so even if their albums were just audio of them eating ham sandwiches), “The Osmonds” (strike – incredible, resident crazy old black man, Ted, did the same damn thing the other woman did … I’m speechless … and I think O’Hurley would have punched this guy if he didn’t think he’d get a taste of Ted’s belt upside his head before he could get to him … Ted and his whole family were baffled when this came up a strike, btw), “New Edition” (strike – I asked for my stereotype answers back and I got them).

Ted is mad at you for eatin' up all the pig's feet – he wants some pig's feet, too!

Dear black people – white people do not know about New Edition.

All Whites for the assuredly inevitable steal: “New Kids on the Block” (#5 – it’s like taking candy from a … black person)

Other Answers: “Jonas Brothers” (#3), “The Beatles” (#4 – thank you, Jesus)

All Whites: 44

Black Arm: 0

Surveyed 100 people, top seven answers on the board – name something a clumsy surgeon might accidentally leave behind in a patient …

Brenda/Shirley goes with “scalpel,” which comes in at #2 and the Boring Looking Wife of Ricky the Ignoramus from the All Whites (BLWRTIFTAW) serves up, “rubber gloves” for #5 – let’s walk it over to The Black Arm of the Law …

Black Arm: “scalpel” (#2), “scissors” (strike), “mask” (strike – um … eh, fuck it – here comes Ted, claiming, “I’m gonna save ‘em …”), “gauze” (#4 – well done, Ted, you saved ‘em … that oughta earn you a tall beer and a pack of Kools from that uppity lawyer kid in your family who don’t respect his elders), “a piece of jewelry” (#3 – what the Hell?), “a piece of paper” (strike – uh, Brenda/Shirley … I have no clue how to react to this asinine response).

All Whites for the steal with the #1 answer still on the board: “sponge” (#1)

Other Answers: “needle” (#6 – a disturbing prospect, dear lord), “forceps” (#7)

The All Whites: 136

The Black Arm of the Law: 0

100 people surveyed, top eight on the board – name something people wear for protection …

[Now you're just baiting me, O'Hurley ...]

You cunning trickster, we're putty in your hands ...

Black Arm: “raincoat” (#1 – that wouldn’t have been #1 around the people I hang out with … but, as evidenced by the last 20-30 years in black culture, my answer is not very prevalent … it’s not racist if it’s true, folks), “bulletproof vest” (#3 – oh, come on black people, you are just lobbing me softballs … A) this is said before anyone says, “condom,” suggesting that bullet proof vests are more common in black communities than condoms – I’ll buy that, btw; and B) there will be less of a need to wear bullet proof vests in black communities in the future if folks start wearing condoms now … I am having too much fun … and possibly being way too racist for comfort … you make the call), (O’Hurley leads in to Ted by saying, “you betcha … it’s rough out there” as he tries not to laugh at the racial implications he is tip-toeing beyond) “condom” (#2 – he gets a wry grin from O’Hurley, but the best part is how enthusiastic and shocked his family was by this answer; they were jumping and screaming “good answer” with an “I never would have thought of that one!” sense of overpowering delight … I love you, Family Feud), “helmet” (#4 – O’Hurley then brandishes the gavel over the Magistrate’s head as if he plans to strike him, then quietly sets it down and moves on like the illusory devil that he is), “knee pads” (strike), “umbrella” (strike – Wanda wears her umbrella at all times), (after much deliberation, Robin comes up with…) “chaps” (strike – and may God have mercy on your soul).

Laugh now, buddy – I think he almost took you out for reals, yo.

All Whites for the steal and the win: “sunscreen” (#8 – the minimum of two people answered this and the alarmingly ignorant All Whites fell ass backward in to a win against a black family despite being alarmingly more stupid, which happens a lot)

Other answers: “seatbelts” (#5), “glasses/goggles” (#6), “gun” (#7)

The All Whites: 379

The Black Arm of the Law: 0

A tragic end for a tragically memorable family – good luck, Cleveland legal system … you’re going to need it (and Uncle Ted is gonna need you).

Fast Money time, fools!

Contestant #1: Some White Guy Named Larry (The All Whites stole every round, so I haven’t even seen this dude since that infuriating song)

Name an occupation in which people need to be able to spell well: “teacher” (22)

Name something you do right before you leave the house:”lock the door” (26)

Name a wild animal that you usually find in cities: “raccoons” (21)

How long do you usually stay in a bad mood? “a day” (30)

Name something people squeeze: “lemons” (41)

O'Hurley goes in for a smooch ... lucky Larry.

Points: 140 (it’s been so long since I have seen a white family play Fast Money that I forgot this was even possible)

Contestant #2: Ricky the Song-singing Ignoramus

Name an occupation in which people need to be able to spell well: “doctor” (0)

Name something you do right before you leave the house: “say goodbye to your wife” (0)

Name a wild animal that you usually find in cities: “coyote” (3)

How long do you usually stay in a bad mood? “an hour” (14)

Name something people squeeze: “good luck charm” (0)

Visual evidence of Ricky's preposterous density.

Points: 157

I would not want to look at that screen either, you fucking 'tard.

A truly uninspired effort on the part of Ricky the Ignoramus – 17 points … a significantly more astounding Fast Money failure than any that this Feudman has ever seen.

The best part was that I hated this guy so much for the entire show that watching him fail was the highlight of my week … thus shining a glaring light on the sad and pathetic existence of your mighty Feudman.

He's smiling because he's seen you naked ... and he's not impressed.

Another Feud in the books, friends.

Make your day special … by masturbating to nugget porn.

He's laughing because he's a God among pubes.

Al-right, al-right, al-right – you know the drill:

• If you are new to the site, read the FFT Mission Statement before proceeding.
• If you like stuff that is awesome, check out FFT’s back page, Florida Watch!!!

They're baaaaaack ...

Now let’s get down to Blackitude!

[Those of you who do not know about FFT's favorite black family can fall in love with them here and here]

Shirley, Shondra McHugeboobs, Creepy Chef Kid and the whole gang of white-smiting awesomeness shine through my living room like the bright lights of the pearly gates, themselves, as we learn the identity of their opponents …

Fat, indoor-sunglassed and stupid is no way to go thorugh life, son.

… The Jenewine family – The Great White Twits – for those of you who cannot interpret team names, they are white and look super lame.

Allow me to explain something to those of you who may not be familiar with Western American Unoriginal Wannabe Douche Behavior by pointing out a common phenomena that the Twits have brought to the table, today – right in line with the shaved head/chinstrap beard combo and, in fact, almost always executed by such fellows – wearing sunglasses in situations where sunglasses are not usually worn.

This is often illustrated when a male wedding party does so during the ceremony (often white sunglasses accompanied by the Air Jordan-esque sneaker/tuxedo combination).

Settle in – Twits vs. Blackitude … I fucking love it!

O’Hurley’s tie is the color of … really shiny sex with a high class hooker … I think you can find it at Lowe’s if you are looking to paint your bedroom in an original shade.

Now, Blackitude looked better last time, but still pulled a BHBFFMA – can they break through to the promised land, where no black family has ever been (at least not that the Feudman has seen)?

No, Shondra – he didn't ask you to point to where most of your brain cells are.

Bullseye Round Comedic Occurrences of Note:

• Oh, sweet Shondra, she of the McHugeboobs – asked to name a service that someone performs on you when you are sitting down, our light chocolate muse buzzes in, points to her chest … hesitates and exclaims, “tonsils … look at your tonsils.” I’m speechless (Shondra never lets us down).
  

  You better recognize, boy – you've been touched by the hand of supreme awesomeness.

• As if Shondra’s answer weren’t reason enough to smile, the goofy kid on the GW Twits grins like the cat that ate the canary and exclaims, “lap dance,” to much laughter, fanfare and a playful, “how dare you steal my thunder as the Feud’s standing libertine-about-town”  face slap/wry grin/chuckle combination from O’Hurley. Well done, kid – didn’t think you had it in you (answer was, of course, “haircut,” but I am still reeling at the fact that the kid threw away an answer for the sake of humor – I have never seen that … maybe the Twits are for real).

• Creepy Chef Kid solidifies the racial stereotype that black people prize almost nothing more than clothing/footwear that can be purchased at an athletics store when he responds with, “Foot Locker” after being asked to name the place that 100 men most likely stated as their #1 desired store from which to win a $1000 gift certificate.

• If the racial implications of  CCK’s answer weren’t hilarious enough, the kid from the Twits says, “Ski Chalet” – black people like athletic shorts and shoes/white people like skis and North Face products – which further exacerbates awesome racial stereotypes, thus accomplishing the constantly obvious goal of Family Feud’s production team (answer was “Best Buy”).

Great White Twits going for $19K and Blackitude nailed the $5,000 bullseye at the last second and is now playing for $20,000 for the second time in a row.

100 people surveyed, top seven answers on the board – name a city where lots of rich people live …

Great White Twits: “L.A.” (#1), “Miami” (#3), “New York” (#2), “Seattle” (strike – the stupidity of this answer seems glaring at its onset, but the Feudman points out that, since the Twits are from suburban California, and most people in the West tend not to possess knowledge of anything outside of a two-three state radius, Seattle is actually the correct answer when viewed in the prism of Common West Coast Stupidity), “London” (strike – actually a good answer, but you can’t count on the American people to think beyond our borders, as we are a nation of mindless simpletons), “Palm Springs” (strike – Common West Coast Stupidity rears it’s ugly head again).

Blackitude, doing what they do best and going for the steal: “The Hamptons” (strike – you can’t expect a random black family from L.A. to know that the term The Hamptons refers to both the towns of Southampton and East Hampton and is, hence, not the name of a town … wait for it).

Other Answers: “Las Vegas” (#4), “Philly” (#5), “Palm Beach” (#6), “SF” (#7)

GWT: 78, Blackitude: 0

100 people surveyed, top seven on the board – name something you might compare a bald guy’s head to …

Shirley will sass your face off and then give you a fierce, "MMM-HMMM!"

Blackitude: “bowling ball” (#1 – Shondra! A #1! Baby’s all grownsed up!), “8-ball” (#2 – Shirley here, looking extra frightening in some sort of checked peacoat-type thing), “crystal ball” (#6), “snow globe” (strike – I have never met a bald guy whose head was supported by only a one-to-two inch wooden base, but, hey, he could be out there), “egg” (#5), “basketball” (#4), “baseball” (strike), “a sphere” (strike – CCK with a doozie, here … I’m impressed that he even knows the word “sphere” … not yet).

Great White Twits for the steal: “light bulb” (strike)

Other answers: “beach ball” (#3), “baby’s bottom” (#7)

GWT: 78, Blackitude: 156

100 people surveyed, top seven on the board – name a food that is better when it is homemade …

He pleases your loins on a daily basis, America – you can't give him cookies? Really?

GWT: “lasagna” (#1), “cookies” (strike – O’Hurley is so devastated by this omission that I am pretty sure he almost walked off set … hosting the Feud must make an urbane raconteur such as O’Hurley despise the American public with the zeal of Vladimir Putin), “cake” (#3), “pizza” (strike – O’Hurley sports a “someone just farted and may be dying inside” facial expression that leads me to believe that he hates this response almost as much as he hates the American people), “hamburger” (#7), “Mexican food” (strike – this would be an especially good answer if A) the Feud only surveyed in California; and B) the surveys were in Spanish).

When your response ilicits this response from O'Hurley, it's probably suicide time.

Team Blackitude for the steal and THE WIN: “apple pie” (#2 – Blacks win! Blacks win! Blacks win!)

And Team Blackitude helps to further destroy FFT’s theory on black aptitude for the Feud by doing what it does best – losing the faceoff and taking the steal.

Great White Twits: 78, Team Blackitude: 291

… but wait, they didn’t hit 300 … which means, SUDDEN DEATH!

["soup," "bread," potato salad" were #4-#6, btw]

Seattle kid vs. CCK – an epic showdown of incomprehension …

Top answer only, 100 people surveyed – name a part of your body that you might have to put drops in …

CCK: “eyes” (#1)

BHBFFMA on the way!

Team Blackitude playing for $20,000

Contestant #1: Shondra (her 60-spot on ‘tude’s first day obviously impressed them enough to try her again … tonsils!)

Name something your spouse might get mad at you for leaving on all night: “Water” (0)

Name a birthday that people consider to be the big one: “21″ (19)

Name something that’s hard to do without a mirror: “Makeup” (32)

Name a flavor of Jello: “Lime” (5 – Shondra only said this because, at one point when she was nine, Shirley served her lime Jello and grape drink for 28 straight meals … you waited for it so patiently, my Weekly Racist Comment That Likely Seals My Fate in Hell)

Name something you’d see in a pinball machine: “the ball” (48)

Points: 104 (not very BHBFFMA of you, Shondra … history may be in the making …)

Contestant #2: ‘tude Mom

Name something your spouse might get mad at you for leaving on all night: “television” (36)

Name a birthday that people consider to be the big one: “50″ (26 … building to it)

Name something that’s hard to do without a mirror: “comb your hair” (16)

Name a flavor of Jello: “cherry” (you can cut the tension with a knife … 20 – AND THE HARSH CHAINS OF OPPRESSION HAVE BEEN TORN OFF AND REPLACED WITH DOLLA-DOLLA BILLS, Y’ALL!!!)

Name something you’d see in a pinball machine: “the flippers” (DOESN’T MATTER!!!)

WE HAVE OVERCOME!!!

Points: 202

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!

And I'm black, y'all!

If only Nat X were here to see this … I’m spent.

Feud … done.

O'Hurley offers you a closing, BHBFFMA-crushing fist bump ... then he tells you that he banged your girlfriend ... sorry, dude.

Your Feudman is here to help your favorite Host engage in a spirited tête à tête with your jumblies.

The Feudman is back … crack-a-lack?

That is the best I have for you, but, hey, aren’t you just glad to be reading about daytime television race battles again?

Hi, I'm Stacey from Florida Watch – won't you come read about me and my friends' hijinks and tomfoolery?

As always, if you are new to FFT, sack up and read the FFT Mission Statement before proceeding.

When you are done, come back here and read away … when you’re done with that, head over to FFT’s back page, Florida Watch – your weekly overview of the ignorant assbaggery of the saddest excuse for a state around, Florida.

Now, on to the Feud.

This week, I have decided to do something that I have yet to do on FFT – pick an episode of the Feud, at random, and live blog it.

Some have suggested that I have been picking specific episodes that are white vs. black. I am here to tell you that 90% of Feud episodes are white vs. black and we’ll see how my luck turns out, today.

You will be living today’s 12:30pm CST episode of Family Feud, as seen on KDAF, Dallas.

And … we … have … a … black family!

Told you!

Robot dancing is the fastest way to the Feudman's heart.

The Pattersons – and if that weren’t awesome/reaffirming enough, they are all posed in robot dance moves … you’ve piqued my interest, black family … I shall call you … Team Hammer Time!

And we pan across to … wait for it … wait for it … the Vietti family!

A bunch of boring looking white people, posed like effing morons, with the lead moron extending his arms while donning Mickey Mouse ears … ugh … I get it, you came to LA and went to Disneyland – so derned original.

Gross.

Expecting big things from this week's white family? Don't.

I hate regular people and I love robot dance moves, so I already know where my loyalties lie.

Anyway, this white family gets to be called The Crackers, for obvious racial reasons, as well as for the fact that they are as interesting to me as a naked Saltine.

Hammer Time vs. Crackers – let’s get it on!

O’Hurley’s tie is shockingly un-shiny and may be made by Adidas, but, guess what, his witty repartee shines with the fire of 1,000 suns.

Cracker Ashley pensively takes a moment to come up with ... the worst possible answer.

Bullseye Round Comedic Occurrences of Note:

• Cracker Dad is wearing both super creepy hipster glasses and a general facial expression that leads me to believe that he has molested every child within a five mile radius of his home.

• Cracker Ashley is really cute and really stupid – name something that couples stop sharing after they get a divorce … “CHAIRS!” … aw, you’re so proud of yourself, how sweet … it’s a God damned strike, imbecile (but you can share a chair with the Feudman, any time). The best part is that the strike man didn’t even wait for O’Hurley to ask the board and responded with an immediate buzzer (answer was, “bed”).

Hammer Time is playing for $20K and The Crackers are going for $17K.

The Crackers look to be biblically stupid, so I am psyched – let’s do this thing.

100 people surveyed, top six on the board – name an occupation where you have to touch your customers …

Perfect question for Pervy Cracker Dad, who says, “next door neighbor!”

"Hehe, that's why I'm a pediatrician."

Ok, not really, he says, “Doctor,” which is #1.

You and your family of mindless wastes-of-oxygen may be laughing, but O'Hurley is soldiering through your ignorant prattle for a paycheck, then he's going to conquer seven nubile 18-year olds whilst wearing nothing but a bowtie and a cumberbund, as you mouth-breathe on some fat guy's neck in line for a Quarter Pounder.

Crackers: “Doctor” (#1), “masseuse” (#3 – ever the jokester, the guy with the Mickey ears claims that he is going to be the new voice of Mickey Mouse and O’Hurley basically dismisses his daft, simpleton nonsense in his usual suave, sporting gentleman style),  ”physical therapist” (strike – I would try to explain the travesty that is this woman’s retarded hair, but just check out the pic, below right), “retail/clothing store” (#6), “beautician” (#2 – this was Ashley, but let’s not get too excited for her, as she likely only got that because she, in fact, is a beautician and thought, “I always touches peoples at the beautyery”), “chiropractor” (strike), “Make-up artist” (strike – hey Mickey Mouse, how the balls is that any different from a beautician?).

Tara doesn't dye her hair two colors, she's wearing a poodle scalp as a hat.

Hammer Time for the steal (writing that was just plain fun): “manicurist” (#5)

Oh, Hammer, don’t hurt ‘em … oh, wait .. no, please do hurt them, as they are obtuse boobs.

Hammer Time: 81, Crackers: 0

100 people surveyed, top six on the board – tell me something the police take as evidence at the scene of a crime …

Well, Mickey Mouse is really doing an awful lot to make his family look even more like witless stooges – he answers, “evidence” … the police collect evidence as evidence … technically, he’s not wrong … also, technically, he may be deemed officially retarded by the state of California if he were to take an IQ test … it’s a strike, btw … oh, and ol’ Mickey laughed and grinned like an idiot for a solid 20 seconds, due to his amusement regarding his own idiocy, apparently.

Thank God for some Hammer Time.

Hammer Time: “weapon” (#3 – any good black man knows to get rid of the weapon … wait for it), “fingerprints” (#1 – Hammer Time’s Zakiya just had hers taken last week … wait for it), “DNA” (#2 – the girl who answered this one is a Hammer Time player’s white-ish wife, so she learned about DNA because she reads books and watches network TV dramas … wait for it), “bullet shells” (#5 – Joseph did 22 months in San Quentin off some damn bullet casings back in ’97 … wait for it), “witnesses” (#6 – one of the guys in the family suddenly gets incensed and yells, “STOP SNITCHIN’, MOTHAFUCKAS!!! … wait for it), “entry” (strike – this makes no sense … damn our confounded inner city public school systems … wait for it), “dead body” (strike – Team Hammer Time hides its bodies in them old abandoned row houses on the West side of Baltimore … wait for it), “clothing” (strike – this was the white girl again, which is why she came up with such a bad answer, because white people don’t commit crimes and, thus, do not have to worry about what will be left as evidence … and … there you go – that whole paragraph functions as the Weekly Racist Comment That Likely Seals My Fate in Hell … glad we got that out of the way).

Just ... pervy, man.

Crackers for the steal: “____” (strike – well done, Pervy Cracker, much like the time little Stevie Masterson realized there was something weird going on and ran off, nobody came (to you with an answer).

Hammer Time: 263, Crackers: 0

DOES ANYONE SMELL A BHBFFMA COMING?

I’m giddy.

100 people surveyed, top 4 answers on the board – name something that people conduct …

Crackers: “orchestra” (#3), “traffic” (strike), “theater” (strike – are you totally shocked to learn that this is fair Ashley? I would hope not), (ok, so I have to interject a personal note in to this tale, as I am sitting in the apartment watching the Feud while a very nice man of color from AT&T – with some disarmingly snaggled teeth – is putting in another cable box in the bedroom, from which I just heard him yell, “train!”) “train” (#2 – “finally!” from the other room … God, I love the Feud), “semi” (strike – as in “semiconductor,” Mickey explains, to which O’Hurley gives a disgusted, only-half-wry, “I’m so glad your family is about to lose” pseudo-grin).

"Think about the nubile pleasurers, think about the nubile pleasurers, think about the nubile pleasurers ..."

Hammer Time for the steal: “surveys” (#5 – You Can’t Touch This!!!)

One might think that perhaps the thesis of FFT is flawed, now that another black family has won, but I want you to realize that the ineptitude of The Crackers was significantly more glaring than that of even the vaunted SD ‘tards (and that is saying something), who actually fell ass-backwards in to a win on one occasion – The Crackers didn’t even score.

Anyway, forget about those insufferable Crackers and get ready for 1) a potential BHBFFMA; and 2) Fast God Damned Money, Sucka!

TRAIN!!!

Team Hammer Time playing for $20,000

Contestant #1: Zakiya (and her ink-covered hands … still Hell)

Name an occasion that women look forward to more than men: Wedding (17)

Name something related to ballet: Ballet shoes (5)

On  scale of one to 10, how intelligent are politicians: 50% (0 – it should be noted that poor Zakiya made an honest mistake and stumbled, due to the realization that she botched this answer, and let about 10 seconds tick off before answering the fourth question … you are a cruel mistress, BHBFFMA)

Name a state that is known for getting a lot of snow: Alaska (10)

Name a fruit with lots of seeds: time ran out (0)

BHBFFMA all over your glasses!

Points: 32

Contestant #2: Hammer Mom

Name an occasion that women look forward to more than men: Anniversary (31)

Name something related to ballet: Skirt (24)

On  scale of one to 10, how intelligent are politicians: Eight (15)

Name a state that is known for getting a lot of snow: New York (22)

Name a fruit with lots of seeds: Pomegranate (11)

Points: 135

A valiant effort by Team Hammer Time, but, alas, overcoming the BHBFFMA is like summiting Kilimanjaro.

O'Hurley doesn't care if you buy the Feud video game, he's off to get some trim.

Johnny loves ya, the Feudman loves ya and read Florida Watch, for Christ’s sake.

Say no to Florida.

Ok, so I took another week off from the Feud – sue me. It ws a weird week for your Feudman, so:

JUST READ THE ALL NEW SECOND INSTALLMENT OF FLORIDA WATCH!!!

Any, by God, vote in the poll, people.

Florida: Fear it. Mock it. Stay away from it.

If you thought Tucson and San Diego were bad, check out the crazies on FLORIDA WATCH!!!

If only the Feud got families from the Sunshine State, but, alas, cross country plane ticket purchases leave little funds remaining for meth and hiring someone to murder and rape the uncle who molested you.

Anyway, the Feudman loves the depraved ignorance of Florida and now he is bringing it to you!

There is no Feud post this week, because of the FLORIDA WATCH!!! launch, so read it, enjoy it, click on its bevy of links, send it to everyone you know and get ready for a new Feud blog, next week.